Trying to Understand Grief

I’ve lost many things in life. Growing up in an abusive home with a parent that deals with substance abuse was never easy and I often felt isolated from the rest of the world. I have been dealing with that trauma for almost 3 decades. It got to the point where I was detaching myself emotionally to try to deal with the trauma and broken parts of my life. The possibility of losing certain people in my life also lead to detachment as I was hoping to protect myself from feeling more pain.

I have never been comfortable with death. I found myself suffering from panic attacks when I spent too much time thinking about it. The only thing that kept me grounded was the fact that I had never lost someone really close to me. That was until April 21, 2022.

It’s simple to say that events change our lives. It changes the way we do things, how we treat people and how we react to numerous situations, including time. It’s also easy to disregard something if we have never experienced it. I have always been taught that death is a part of life. We are born and then we die. The love, adventures and memories that we build for ourselves in-between those two significant events is what makes life meaningful. It makes life worth living.

On April 21st I lost my Pawpaw. The grief comes in waves and I never know how big the waves will be. Sometimes the wave is just enough to make me lose my balance. Sometimes the wave is big enough that it makes me feel like I am drowning and I will never reach the surface in time to breathe again. In between the waves, I become numb. I forget he’s gone until I see a picture or a video. I hear his voice, see his smile and I get transported back to that day in ICU where I held his hand and reminded him that I loved him before the nurses removed the ventilator. I felt him lightly squeeze my hand 3 times after telling him that I loved him and that it was going to be okay.

I don’t think he could see me but I know he could hear me. A ventilator was preventing him from talking but those 3 light squeezes while I held his hand and said goodbye were as if he was saying ‘I love you’ back. What was supposed to be a routine surgery to fix the leads of his pacemaker, turned into a blown artery that eventually would lead to the end of his life.

His 2 children, their spouses, his 2 grandchildren and his wife of 61 years sat with him for almost 24 hours before we heard him take his last breath. My Memaw talked to him throughout those long hours. She rubbed his head, hair and held his hand. He never went without hearing her voice or our voices. We told stories, talked about memories and tried to retell his stories of when he was a child and in the military. We likely got parts of it wrong so I am sure if he could talk, he would have corrected us along the way. The support system that we had in the ICU room was nothing less than extraordinary. The life that he and my Memaw created, the support system that was built because of them and the strength that they instilled into all of us was remarkable.

It’s been a week since he left and I can only hope he is with his brothers and parents now. I hope he realizes the beautiful family that he created with his wife of 61 years. He lived a life that most people would dream of living. He had the love of his life with him for 6 decades along with watching his children grow up for 5 decades. He watched his granddaughter create a life for herself for 27 years and loved her unconditionally through every bump in the road. He was able to watch his grandson become the young man he is today at 17, almost ready to graduate high school and go to college.

He left behind stories that he wrote about his childhood, his life in Kentucky and his family. The stories that he told us when we visited, especially during holidays, are stories we will spend our lifetimes retelling, in honor of his memory.

I don’t know if the grief will ever pass. I don’t know if we will ever feel whole again, especially without him. I do know that none of us are alone and we have more than a handful of shoulders to lean on. I am thankful for the life I was given, even though it was not always easy. I’m appreciative for the time I was able to spend with him, the stories I was able to hear and the love that encompassed all of us when we were together.

My Memaw and Pawpaw have loved their children and grandchildren unconditionally. They accepted our mistakes and helped us learn from them. He built a successful career in the military and continued to travel the world when he retired. No matter what was said towards him or who treated him badly, he showed grace when it was needed most. His opinions were bold and often very opinionated. He researched relentlessly and stood for the things he believed in.

My Pawpaw made me a better person. He taught me that life doesn’t owe me anything, he taught me unconditional love and most importantly, he taught me that there is hope and good outside of the home I grew up in.

Grief is an emotion that everyone feels individually, in their own way. It’s an emotion that is difficult to understand. There is no time limit. To grieve is to love. In order to truly miss someone, to feel your chest ache and almost fall to your knees in disbelief, is the sacrifice we make for love. I question if I want to make that sacrifice again and again, especially after feeling as if the world is falling apart. What would life be without love? Would it be easier or would it take away from all the things life has to offer? Loving is the ultimate sacrifice and the feeling of love can’t be replaced, even with grief. To feel them both can be overwhelming but it reminds me that I was blessed to be able to feel the happiness and beauty of what love really is.

I choose life and I choose love. Grief will come and go in waves. With time, I think I will have a better grasp of navigating the waves and finding ways to steady myself a little better. I hope I can catch my breath a little quicker after a large wave sweeps me under. Most importantly, I hope I can learn to let love overshadow the pain of grief so that I always understand that without the sacrifice of love, the less I will gain from life and the people I care about the most.